How To Tell If You’re Stoned

stoned1Sometimes you just don’t know if you’re stoned or not. Here are a few ways you can tell:

  • When you shit your pants while coughing from a good bong hit.
  • When no matter how hard you try, your phone is smarter than you are.
  • When you pick up a friend at the airport and wind up on a plane to Chicago.
  • When you’re told your fly is open, and you forget.
  • When you become lost in an underground parking lot.
  • When you stick your key in the wrong car in the parking lot.
  • When you yell at your dog for pissing on the rug, and then realize it was you.
  • When you camp out at a donut shop so you can get them fresh out of the oil.
  • When you put gas in your diesel car.
  • When you walk all over town with toilet paper stuck to the heel of your shoe.
  • When no matter where you go, there you are.
  • When someone says “your other left”, you look around for it.
  • When you find yourself in the next state while going to the liquor store.
  • When your steering wheel becomes huge while driving.
  • When staring at a computer screen for hours seems not to work.
  • When you laugh at your own jokes.
  • When you get there, and you can’t remember why.
  • When you sleep through the second half of the movie.
  • When your refrigerator is empty. All the time.
  • When a movie seems scarier than it really is.
  • When you put an empty jug of milk back in the fridge.
  • When a fast pitch seems way slow.
  • When you’ve watched a blade of grass grow from seedling to maturity.
  • When sex is not only desirable, but mandatory.
  • When you can’t remember your dog’s name.
  • When you can’t walk by a chocolate shop without going in.
  • When you find yourself at the wrong bus stop.
  • When you blow your grocery budget in one trip to the store.
  • When you hold your breath smoking a cigarette.
  • When you find yourself, and then lose yourself.
  • When you feed your dog cat food, and your cat dog food.
  • When you say “huh?” a lot.
  • When you can’t find your car keys, and they are in your hand.
  • When a fart becomes an experience.
  • When you forget you forgot your glasses.
  • When you step in dog shit and don’t know it.
  • When you make watching chickens peck a sport.
  • When 3 hours after you light a joint, you’re still holding it in your hand.
  • When the police ticket you for driving too slow.
  • When you pull a sweater over your head and get lost.
  • When you find the fly in your pants around back.
  • When you think a condom is a kingdom for con artists.
  • When you show up for a reservation you never made.
  • When you pull your car forward out of the garage instead of backing out.

Can you tell if YOU’RE  stoned? Leave a comment.

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